comeback

I'm coming back to this space which i guess no one will ever visit again because i've been updating at lj instead of blogger. but i just thought that i should have a place for me to pen down things i wanna say.

people write the things they can't say right? and things they cannot let people know. or will not.

i've been looking through photos of this girl, who perhaps have walked the same road as me about 2 years ago when she was 15. Just that now, the same person we are dealing with has changed. and is still constantly changing.

it is difficult to live with someone else's past isn't it? even thinking about it makes me quiver. I always thought that, who you were wouldn't matter so long as it all happened in the past. But it doesn't seem easy as i thought it would be. the past shouldn't matter yes, but it does get in the way sometimes. I am afraid to embrace it all, to embrace you. and many times i wonder, am i gonna carry these secrets with the rest of my life? I know it's impossible to tell anyone. but it just amazes me that i am actually the one, and the only one who knows all these secrets and obligated to shut my mouth. It's just, too horrible. And it's even worse for you, and them. People who have gone through difficult times in their life.

Difficult times when they were looking for what they wanted; attention, identity, popularity, acceptance, all sorts of things that usually gets you in secondary school or even in college. People don't know who they are, they don't know who they belong to, they don't know what to do, and they make mistakes. Irreversible ones i must say, but most of the time, the path winds down their life and they find it hard to end it all. It's painful to end something painful, because thereafter what you face is going to be your worst nightmare.

I've always thought about you, and them, these people who have no idea about what kind of life they should be living. They want to be accepted so much they'd do anything. and when confronted, they decline they reject whatever you say because you are right. They are proud while insecurity eats on the inside of them, feeding on their energy, pride, esteem, respect, they lose all these in exchange for a non existent identity they thought they'd discover.

I wanna help them, but is there a way if they won't let me in? what can i do?

and on the other hand, yes i am confused. I cannot be loyal to two masters, but i have been thinking about my wrong decisions, if i should put it to an end and get back to my life before all the drama happened, or should i continue to walk this road to help these people?

More often than not, "help" only appears in the realm of thoughts. In reality, most, even myself, do things for the benefit of thyself.

and for that, i salute Life; you twist the hell out of us.