you're my twinkle star

currently stuck in com lab with loads of work to complete. D:

i am so stuffed with vexations. Is it right? I don't think so. But sometimes, why can't people really put themselves in my shoes, or even the people around them, and THINK before they do or ask something?

I am tired of recollecting those details that hurt me over and over again.

Siying its time to drive and move on. No point dwelling on what has already happened. Focus on creating a better future. If you can't trust people, at least trust yourself.

And because i am so tired, i just want to let go and be happy again.

D:

Little joke,

Quek: "my daddy bought me twinkle twinkle and cocoa crunch!"

twinkle twinkle in the Dictionary of Sean Quek : Honey Stars.

LAUGH!

okay back to work, i miss him, bye!

WHY ME

WHY IS IT ALL HAPPENING TO ME AND ON ME.

WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG THAT LIFE AND EVERYONE IS BEING SUCH A BITCH TO ME.

I DON'T DESERVE THIS I SERIOUSLY DON'T.

YOU SUCK. I HATE YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

SORRY, I AM NOT AS BIG HEARTED AS YOU THINK I AM.

TO FORGIVE AND FORGET?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

WHY ME. WHAT DID I DO EXACTLY. I DID NOTHING. BUT WHY ME.

bomb

Weekend was, the bomb. literally. i have no idea how much i could take in anymore, i just listened and listened and listened until my world crashed down. It was nothing that i thought would come our way. I listened, and each word pierced my heart like nothing. i couldn't breathe or think or do anything, i just stoned. that was all i could do.

even after a night's thought given to it, i am still in the process of digesting everything. remember i said truth don't matter? actually they do, so much. but because truth matters so much, it breaks people, it breaks anything that comes along the way.

i am so numb now i have no idea who to turn to, because there is nobody, and there will never be any friend willing to listen to me. everybody thinks i'm a silly fool who made the wrong decision, and nobody will stand by me to support me because it is taking too much of them to do so. to even show a sign of sympathy, concern, GENUINELY to me. but it doesnt matter, cuz i expected it. I knew all these would happen, but i have no regrets. because finally i am doing something for myself, and though it sounds selfish, but damn it i am over and done with living for others. It's too tough.

I should have known this right. When i made a decision that will only benefit myself, i know from then on i am alone.

i am torn apart now betwen two voices. One tells me to revert to my old life, moved on, forget all that has happened in these few months that have turned my life around.

Another tells me that this is the very reason why he is the one, and why from the beginning it is never a mistake. Nobody will ever understand but i do, because i know he needs me and i need him, and that's all we need to know. The bomb has been ignited, and the hurt and damage has been done, but guess what? Don't call me a silly and foolish idiot that have no idea of protecting and defending myself. Because all i wanna do now is to stay by his side, and be everything and anyone that he possibly needs.

I'm pretty sure he has gone through much more in life than me. My life had been almost perfect and smoothsailing, even challenges during those days weren't exactly difficult. I am sooo done with hopeful living. I knw it sounds stupid to want a life of depressions, disappointments but that makes me feel more like an actual human. I am done with being excited and happy all the time. I had enough of always feeling not good enough for them and yet has to deceive myself that i am loved i am special i am born for a reason i am born for a purpose.

he came along the way, swept me off my feet, hurts me like deep shit, but so what? I'm still going to stay by his side till the end. What he has gone through, is too much for anyone to bear. those tears just drive me up the wall and that face of hurt and shame, instantly i knew this is it. I will live it with him, and even though it means i have to be larger than who i am, to let everything go.

God give me the strength to do so. Give us the strength to live on.

Love covers all, pain, fear, shame, love supercedes all. It is the universal force that acts behind every motivation.

I love you, therefore i choose to never leave.

but where, someone, would you give me a helping hand?

Angels

i met angels today. innocence and simplicity, they are angels compared to who i am. I hope that when they grow up, they will remain the same way; untainted and adorable in their own way.

and i found quek amidst them all! Hell for the whole week i only saw him once which was two days ago. It's horrrrrrrible i miss him D: anyhow this little boy Jeremy looks like him! tee hee as adorable and lovable! I know everyone agreeeeeee (:

It was a fun time with these kids, playing "duck duck goose" with them, seeing how they run and catch each other really make me relive my younger days. and teaching them Hokey Pokey and shaking themselves, those carefree and such childlike faces, awwwwwwww. I WANNA HAVE A KID TOOO (:

blessed parents, they all have such cute children. and i will never leave my child in the childcare, iwanna see them grow up and making progress in their lives together as their mummy and their friend (:

so here goes d photographs! More on my facebook (:

HAHA what a gross pic, FAT FAT ARMS EWWWW

gdbye back to boys before flowers. JI HOOOOOO!

expectations

one is taught not to have high expectations, of yourself or of anyone else.

why? when you have the least expectations, you'd be happier. happy when you realise the least of your expectations have been met. and less miserable when you don't get your high expectations met.

thank you for everything. your promises and your love. (:

my neck hurts D:

larger than love

if there's something larger than love...

happy 2nd month!

i hope he doesn't read this post today. it's meant for tomorrow's special day! okay i know 2 months is like damn short a period of time, but its worth the effort to celebrate the love you share right? some things just don't come easily, so cherish. (:

so as usual, we're spending it in school, in BAND. just like our first month, and my birthday. see what school has done to us, nothing but damage.

when we just got over BT1, we start lessons immediately tomorrow and cooooool we have lit tutorial ALREADY.

Arts students can't even rest? we write more than the science students, we memorise more than them, and we definitely spend more time reading those dam notes than any of them reading periodical tables or formulae sheets!

HUMPH i hate schoool i can't wait for As to be over so that i can get a laptop as daddy promised, and i can retreat back to Borders and work there, face the books everyday and just enjoy the smell of paper and boxes mmmmm

and i can get discount so i will keep buying books and read them, and i will spend my pay on clothes and more clothes shoes and more shoes bags and more bags bras and more bras pjs and more cute pjs, and spend on quek too.

but currently, life sucks D:

walking on the trapeze

The most important aspects of trapeze are grace, flexibility, strength, endurance and unique style.

Wikipedia

i'd like to add in : BALANCE.

i think wikipedia might be the best invention ever. and it reminds me of my higher chinese teacher is secondary school giving in a new name and made us laugh literally for months every chinese lesson we'd tease him : "LAO SHI.... WAI-KI-KI."

but my classmate found out that there's really a search engine called waikiki. maybe from china or something.

today on my way home, i decided that i MUST buy a car when i start working. i simply cannot stand the stench on public transport. say i have zero tolerance for unhygiene and body odour, or i am being evil and not understanding, but man its beyond what i can control. my body just repels all these and it really sucks. thank God i had my tie to cover the smell.

some singaporean just don't bathe, shave, or spray.

i nearly vomited right there on the train. it was tormenting. hence, PRIVATE CAR OWNERSHIP YAY YAY YAY.

TOMORROW's our last paper - economics. 2 hours and 55 mins of writing non-stop. today my hands cramped in the midst of geog paper. eewww

2 months in a few days time! i don't understand why people can ask me, why celebrate when its only 2 months. hmmmm, i guess celebrating the love monthly won't kill?

and i really need some self control and need to balance my life D:

i have many manythings i wanna do after BT! finish Boys Before Flowers, watch the movies i downloaded, bake (!!!), save $$ and buy my up4dekonstruct dress, try asking mummy for money to buy bra at Lasenza (they're allll soooooo pretty), draw up a saving plan (gonna do it tomorrow!) and many more to come ...

though it is only coming to April and the end of BT ONEEE, still rejoice friends at least the exams hurdle is over for, awhile.

time to stop escaping and get back to study my econs HUMPH

WHY

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Miss Choa Chu Kuang

According to quek's daddy, i am Miss chua. because i live in chua chu kang.

:/

today we spent time studying, but apparently being the normal him, PSP took a hold of him and became the main distraction. Winning eleven, and whatever that racing game is, vying for my bf's attention D:

this is so hilarious. i can't aim properly so... but he look so cute right!
oh yeah i like this. but ignore the fat arms plsss

hahahahhahaha i took this while he was twisting and turning and trying to think of the right face to make and snap! i took this!

bff : PSP

tomorrow's Geog BT. and i'm online to do rubbish instead of memorising those notes.

if burning them and drinking really helps.............

chant baby chant

i am in a chanting mood right now. i've been chanting to quek non-stop about so many things.

i suck at organising thoughts. i always have so much going on in my head i can't really sort them and give up shortly. so whatever that i gave thought to for so long, they are all being bundled up into one large messy picture of nothingness, and all my brain cells wasted.

so while we were studying at the Simei - Eastpoint? (i hate the east i feel like a goldfish in the sea) kfc, between studying for geog, i gave thought to my thoughts.

i have a new passion! goodness, LINGERIE DESIGNER ANYONE? :D grin grin, i love lingerie, i mean mostly bras luh, and PJs! i really love them, maybe i will make a great designer, come up with my own line of lingerie and make it bigger than Victoria's Secret? kidding

but my oh my, i really don't mind you know. just that i don't knw where to start :/ mmm, and i can set up a blogshop selling bra and pjs, that will be so dam cool luh. people can buy from me exclusive pieces instead of those mass produced ones from Cotton On or other places yike. it sucks to know you're wearing the bra of same design together with someone else.

that was my first resolution of the day!

quek went all stunned when he heard my new awaken dream. while i was bobbing up and down about finding this new passion he simply tried his best to ignore me. humph

and this week, too much bad food. i had so much fast foood like seriously, and cup noodles? Man i need to stop, but how to curb? Food is my addiction; food for life yo.

that was my second thought.

third, after service i missed quek so much D:

and i ranted to him on msn about quite a few things. like


I LONG LONG WAVY WAVY THICK THICK BUSHY BUSHY CURLY HAIRRRRRRRR

i wanna have tattooo also

"by, i feel like buying this D: its so nice https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmhbFijDm60stV6X23nZyRPvCTwMHWhQ_IYJ5fQNusSNm1AfHSmFONy34YujKas4-A1qGVLiVpRfnZXOAiSMEK2QMbg5MOS8AQqZGWzU0-L2-YzZOso9oZN4K3UcsnhDmcVZJ1XawdrP0/s1600-h/DSC_1496.JPG they handmade them u know! like, sew themselves one. its 29 O.o"

i'm so lazy to type out what i want the most at the moment again, i'm afraid i can't control it i will go get hair extension tmrw, rob the bank and buy whatever i want, and get a secret tattoo but this is like the least likely it will ever happen with quek watching so intently over me a samll tattoo would probably make him flip.

you should see how many "NO, dont want tattoo" he rejected me with. HAHA. but of course i understand.

and should visit http://www.up4dekonstruct.blogspot.com/ although its like so not done yet but the first piece is really quite pretty. i like the idea of them handmaking and sewing the clothes, and the feeling of cloth not covering you or hugging you, but draping over you like a flaccid umbrella surrounding you, covering you, protecting you. its a lazy hug, a lazy kiss. zomg i love oversized tee shirt dresses. need to get more of them and less of the sweet kind of dresses eewwww

okay we are really on tight budget now, and we both aim to save money once school starts! cos we have zero value now in the account we have together (YAYYY). gonna need some time and much more determination to save all those money.

so that i can get my pocket basic dress from up4dekonstruct, more accessories, the Little Miss ...and Mr... tee shirts, and many more to come (:

Scarcity? ABSOLUTELY!

i'm writing so lengthy-ly huh.

OH YES. i wanna get a oktomat too for me and quek, they are so adorable, apart from the polaroid camera we have now we should buy more cameras! cos photography is like the new fashion nowadays huh?

things that will change

pardon me i can't upload from the phone directly so had to take photos of my phone. pathetic explaination i know.

March holidays i have been swimming in studies, occassional pain, but floating on love (: spending time with quek is simply awesome.


sometimes we have to overlook what we lost, and look at what you still have. at least when i look at your smile i know i won't drown or fall so badly.

you always pick me up, and carry me through. <3

it will never change

who says change is the only constant in life? sometimes that does not hold true; like people. people will never change. the core being, who they are, the identity, it will never ever change.

ever since the beginning of this year, i become much care-less and, i can't seem to find the strength in clearing misunderstandings. i can't be bothered to explain myself anymore. there's no point. once that impression is made, the hurt is done, the damage is inflicted, the scar will never go away. whatever you say to try to clear those misunderstandings, or doubts, doesn't really make a difference. people only remember the pain, and so long as the scar remains and continue to prick, no amount of explaination can save your soul.

shouldn't life be happy? all the time?

not to be sadistic, but face it, most of the time, you feel down rather than up.

but maybe its true, that when you are up, you fly so high those down times doesn't seem to matter. but on the other hand, when you are down, you never really remember how it feels like to fly.

you can't ask someone to recall the happy times when they feel down. cos when they are down, they are drowning. they are so overwhelmed that flying is not an option anymore, you can't just recall it like that. human minds are not machines, you can't press a button and stimulate recollection of happy moments.

so here goes my advice, it will never change.

and the worse feeling you can ever get is, i made a mistake in life. and there's no way back home.

i wish i can sing, and play on a repeat mode : always look on the bright side of life.

see, why is it "look on" , cos the bright side is always the other side. the other side that you're not on, and the other side you'll never reach, therefore, just look.

studies now siying. more important than anything else. who gives a shit, nothing matters, and it will never change.

we raped sakae

the day we RAPED sakae sushi. he came up with that word though. we acted like sushi monsters! i bet the staff regretted letting us in. we indulged in sushi like never before. though they cheat money by putting so little food and so much rice! YUCK

very full to say anything

the amount of rice we stuffed into the plastic bag and threw away! that's how we cheated them! in fact, its PAYBACK DUDE. we were so "kiasu", looking around suspiciously for the staffs and quickly dumping those loads of rice into the plastic bag.

this is only less than half of what we robbed them of? we ate a total of 40plates.

yeah. the sinners who waste food. Like what mel says, "the thai farmers worked so hard for one grain of rice and yet you.. YOU'RE A GEOG STUDENT YOU MUST LOVE THE EARTH." SINCE WHEN?!



this is the lovely dress he bought for me! because of this dress, both of us are surviving on nothing for the week D: its really terrible. i guess i have to stop all those thai food cravings!

it was a fun day out with quek! i really hate wrestling with him in the band room. Damn painful to me, cos he's like twice, or thrice stronger than me? he totally shows no mercy!

anyway this week has been really hectic. maybe it is just the life of JC2, and i am still coping with it. maybe there'll never be a day where we can "cope" with it. it will always be, "barely making it".

I was listening to our Mononoke recording at Alot Like Jazz. It wasn't too bad i guess. AND I HEARD MY OWN SOLO AT 6:34! its a mixture of feeling nobody will understand. those tears of joy i shed after those notes. they make me believe in myself again, and drown those criticisms of people that have been haunting me since Day 1. Afterall it's self belief that will carry us far.

46 days to SYF. way to go bandits, i know we can make it.

i will still be updating my lj though.

and now, time to sleep! there is econs from 9-12 tomorrow, on a PROTECTED day. Teachers are simply heartless. and evangelism explosion, followed by intensive geog revision ALL BY MYSELF at bpp.

wish me luck, that i will not get bang by car or bit by a dog.

cos life sucks ever since the firstday of March hols.

sui chiau (quek's GREAT chinese)