Happyness

365 can never be one

They said a year is always too long

To leave the town or say goodbye

Nanny whines 365 times

Missing grandpa in solitary zone

Like jellybeans and candy cane

You are colorful and at times

Soft hearted but tough minded

My friend this year and 365 days have been great

So oh oh oh how can 365 ever be one

It’s just never enough

To bottle up our tears

And frame up those faces

Unlike fairytales and happily ever afters

Like the cookies we finish anyway

They are short and expires

But you kept us well preserved

So it came once I wanna write a book

I gave myself a year to realize my ignorance

Ambitious dreams and visions

you always hit me into reality fatal

cupcakes making pillow fighting

best friends forever passing love letters

we were never in the same classroom

but I can so imagine you drooling on the table

So oh oh oh how can 365 ever be one

It’s just never enough

To bottle up our tears

And frame up those faces

Unlike fairytales and happily ever afters

Like the cookies we finish anyway

They are short and expires

But you kept us well preserved

Oh when I turn on the radio I wanna dedicate a song to you

But I’m stuck at which one to choose

So the deejay told me to say a few words

“santa claus don’t mess up my friend her name is ______”

I cleared my throat and sang

So oh oh oh how can 365 ever be one

It’s just never enough

To bottle up our tears

And frame up those faces

Unlike fairytales and happily ever afters

Like the cookies we finish anyway

They are short and expires

But you kept us well preserved

So thank you for this year

And next year and every year

Cuz 365days are never enough to tell my tales

X

the first song i ever wrote, to the first friend and possibly last, that will touch my heart like nobody does. Even though things have change, (And you won't see this), i still love you. I just don't know what i can do. Maybe i know, i'm just unwilling to leave this comfort behind.

the first song i ever wrote, that needs to be filled in with a tune. but i have never found the courage to ask anyone.

comeback

I'm coming back to this space which i guess no one will ever visit again because i've been updating at lj instead of blogger. but i just thought that i should have a place for me to pen down things i wanna say.

people write the things they can't say right? and things they cannot let people know. or will not.

i've been looking through photos of this girl, who perhaps have walked the same road as me about 2 years ago when she was 15. Just that now, the same person we are dealing with has changed. and is still constantly changing.

it is difficult to live with someone else's past isn't it? even thinking about it makes me quiver. I always thought that, who you were wouldn't matter so long as it all happened in the past. But it doesn't seem easy as i thought it would be. the past shouldn't matter yes, but it does get in the way sometimes. I am afraid to embrace it all, to embrace you. and many times i wonder, am i gonna carry these secrets with the rest of my life? I know it's impossible to tell anyone. but it just amazes me that i am actually the one, and the only one who knows all these secrets and obligated to shut my mouth. It's just, too horrible. And it's even worse for you, and them. People who have gone through difficult times in their life.

Difficult times when they were looking for what they wanted; attention, identity, popularity, acceptance, all sorts of things that usually gets you in secondary school or even in college. People don't know who they are, they don't know who they belong to, they don't know what to do, and they make mistakes. Irreversible ones i must say, but most of the time, the path winds down their life and they find it hard to end it all. It's painful to end something painful, because thereafter what you face is going to be your worst nightmare.

I've always thought about you, and them, these people who have no idea about what kind of life they should be living. They want to be accepted so much they'd do anything. and when confronted, they decline they reject whatever you say because you are right. They are proud while insecurity eats on the inside of them, feeding on their energy, pride, esteem, respect, they lose all these in exchange for a non existent identity they thought they'd discover.

I wanna help them, but is there a way if they won't let me in? what can i do?

and on the other hand, yes i am confused. I cannot be loyal to two masters, but i have been thinking about my wrong decisions, if i should put it to an end and get back to my life before all the drama happened, or should i continue to walk this road to help these people?

More often than not, "help" only appears in the realm of thoughts. In reality, most, even myself, do things for the benefit of thyself.

and for that, i salute Life; you twist the hell out of us.

Revamp

posted at LJ today instead. Cos grassglass is getting so unkempt and ugly I MUST REVAMP IT SOOOON or i will not blog here -.-

boring

my blog is omg boring. soooo boring.

i haven't taken pictures in a gazillion years.

i haven't had a all-girls/bestie outing in a gazillion years too.

happy birthday Shan; thank you for your love. i can't say much cos there's too much to say, but you're really THE most wonderful woman i've met in my life. It would have been impossible if not for you. Thank you. & i'm sorry.

tomorrow is Labour Day. Mummy is working -.- Dad is going Malaysia with his friends for 3 days to fish. And i'll be alone again, with big aunty bugging me with the pain. D:

at least until Quek comes with the dvds!

tell me i still can be this happy

D:

big aunty come alreadyyyyyyyy.

D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D: D:

anticipation

i brought my mega maxi uber long 40cm absorber to school anticipating my dearest Big Aunty to come.

It was suppose to visit me yesterday, cos it did on march the 27th!!!

SHE IS ONE DAY LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

please please don't let it coincide with syf. D:

SIYING HATES MENSES.

COUNTRY B & COUNTRY C

YESTERDAY

i reached PP horribly early and went for breakfast with Quek. After which band practice is self-explanatory i do not have to describe much. The process itself was, fulfilling and fruitful. 11 days to SYF, i was just going through Overture 2 in my head on the way back home and could almost imagine Kelly Tang's eyes on me waiting to see if i played those semi quavers correctly. Sometimes music can be so horribly painful, especially when accuracy and clarity is concerned.

HAPPY 3RD! (wrt yesterday) we went shopping at Wisma. I was desperately in need of retail therapy (in fact anything nice to cover those fats that were dancing because of the body hugging tee i was wearing; i forgot to try it on before bringing it to school) but to my disappointment nothing in f21 caught my eyes. And the queue was long so the idea to purchase something there was quickly dismissed. Next then was Topshop/Topman our alltime favourite. I tried on a few tops but some were so body hugging can literally see my layers of fats dancing D: Some were too baggy. Shoes are nice but not very interesting. So instead, because of my persistence that i MUST get something, i bought two very cute knickers.

I didn't take pictures. Damn gross la to put online. After that we went PS (Gayle's hangout hahaha). If not for the swensens' voucher i have, i don't think i would step into PS. went to Fox and i bought a dress and flip flop YAY! spent $80 and got a pair of movie pass, available for the next 365days, any time, any day, any movie :D good deal riiight.

And then it was dinner. not to forget on the way there on the bus, we just gave each other a hug and this aunty went "this is a public bus you know". IT WAS JUST A QUICK HUG. I replied her "freedom of expression please". Is she jealous that she got no one to hug?!

Stupid act-chio-buey-chio act-cool-buey-cool couple sat beside us. I have no idea why they kept laughing when Quek and i exchange presents. You mean you people don't celebrate anniversaries? Such a pity. I pray that both of you won't lose the spark even though you don't celebrate the love you share and stop laughing at other couple when you're obviously in envy.


Quek did this for me. Damn chio please. Thanks for all the effort! *he slotted msgs behind each photo*
I gave him a Topman tee he wanted hahaha.


TODAY

super suey day please. Went out of the house for church and it started pouring i had to take a cab. After service went off to town to meet Quek. He was practicing for his sister's wedding; he's gonna play two damn sexy songs. I shall describe this boring process because its kinda interesting to me (how ironic)

I alighted at orchard and walked to Shaw house to buy my all-time fav bubble tea. After which i proceeded to walking in the rain to fareast plaza. Whilst crossing the overhead bridge, some weird man looked back and ask me "are you singaporean" i was like "yah". then he said "you look like a foreigner" and i scurried down the escalator faraway from the weirdo. I stood at the busstop waiting for Quek's reply. Then i decided to take the same route, BACK to Wheelock. I went borders and browse through magazines and i bought a cute pencil case!


Walked back to fareast AGAIN, this time with Quek. I told him bout the weird man incident and i shouldn't divulge what he said. but, the summary being I LOOK LIKE AN INDONESIAN MAID sobxzxzxxz I KNOW I DO I WISH I KNOW HOW TO GET RID OF THE TAN.

We had dinner (?) and went to the salon. This is where the warning begins.

NEVER VISIT THIS SALON EVER AGAIN. I think i shouldn't reveal the name, that'd be very evil of me. But its at level 5? We spent an hour in the shop. It took them 20mins to wash my hair, 30mins to dry it, and 10mins to trim it. WTH.

and the young lady who blew dry my hair, she made it so straight and flat i was immediately nostalgic (in a bad way), of my lower sec days when i had rebonded hair. DAMN LIAN. I totally hated my own reflection. After she finish, another woman came to help me trim my hair and she smelled like so bad the tobacco filled my lungs and i was so repulsed by it. I couldn't concentrate on anything at all as the smell took hold of my senses. IT WAS SO GROSS.

I walked out of the shop feeling like i paid $20 to make myself a Lian, all over again?


THUS, NEVER AGAIN WILL I SET FOOT ON THAT SMELLY SHOP.
because those slow people took 1 hour with our hair, i had to say goodbye to Quek even when it felt like i only met him for 10minutes.

Trip back home was 190 was horrendous as the m**d sitting next to me was singing, horribly off tune. Oh well, freedom of expression!

and it was worse on 975 (yes i take weird bus service no.s home). This is a very sensitive issue but it has been bugging me for a very good number of years. As usual many workers boarded the bus. Usually i will sit at the outside seat because i am afraid that when i alight the bus i would be violated. PLEASE don't say i am overreacting or insensitive or inconsiderate. Try taking 975 and you will know. I know i am not hot or sexy or pretty at all, but it's just a fear, and protection? Usually, country B will not insist on sitting next to you because as mentioned in the papers before, they always try to avoid Singaporeans and keep to themselves, fear of inviting unnecessary trouble and the sense of rejection they might get by merely looking into the eyes of the locals. And i totally respect them, as you know, they don't make alot of noise too on the public transport.

However, a few years ago unfortunately country C has begin to flood our island. As much as i wish to view them as precious possessions to our nation, but A HANDFUL OF SINGAPOREANS ARE UNEMPLOYED AND HUNGRY AND HOMELESS BUT THE G GOES ON HIRING SO MANY FW, CAN SOMEBODY EXPLAIN TO ME THE LOGIC IN THIS?

I've tried hard and long enough and i cannot lie to myself. I don't really fancy them. Even my neighbourhood is affected. I am not a nation-cist (i think). It's just the way they behave, really puts me off. Because this particular person insisted on sitting next to me and i quickly moved off as i was alighting soon. AND IMMEDIATELY HE PUT UP HIS SMELLY FEET AND SHOUTED OUT TO HIS FRIEND INVITINGLY TO SIT NEXT TO HIM. and they laughed, and talked, and laughed.

I reflected and told myself that i MUST learn to act in a civilized manner in public. I mean, there is no need to hide your true self but there is no need too to infringe upon others because of your nonsense.

Let us all have blessed pleasant trips on our public transport.

/

I know, its an uber long post. Very unlike me but i have no idea today i just felt like ranting.

Synopsis of the day : IT SUCKED.

i really want to buy more clothes. F21 SPREEEEEEEEEE!

hold me in your arms

Convey

Life sucks. I haven't taken pictures for a godzillion yearssss please.

I survived Band Camp, YAY! nothing much to say about it cos everyday we just eat, play and sleep.
today we end especially early at 1pm. I stayed back in school to finish off my tutorials and watched rugby match with Quek. SA owned CJ 86-0, GO SAINTS!

besides that, life sucks. ergh.




can't wait for saturday, 3rd 3rd 3rd! So much have happened i just want to spend a day happily again.

i want the phone! seoulmate! i desperately need a new phone, gotta update my gadgets!

today i sat in front of the bitch and decided that my life shall not revolve around tearing for her mistake

Forboding

Band camp............

kill me.....................

so tired..

怎么走

I miss you my friend.


An unforgivable mistake will always remain that way; nobody has to say anything. You and i know both know how things will end.


/

oh man can you see the little photo? Its an icon so i can't enlarge. Anyhow, i like Kim bum (Yi Jung)'s action. Cos quek always do it too!

it feels good to have someone who will love you and promise to take care of you. People are imperfect and they make mistakes. The most beautiful thing is after learning your mistakes, you move on and create greater sparks in the story.

but when you have something smiling on you, it is often at the expense of another most precious thing in your life.

Band camp from fri to sun, maybe i can blog with Joanne (lurb lurb)'s laptop, see how!

SCHOOL SUCKS.

Freedom

Freedom is nothing without boundaries.

no?

I wish i had more freedom. To do things my way and the way i like it without feeling the fear of failing other people's expectations or demands.

But freedom without boundaries is not freedom anymore. I don't know how to explain. I feel so melacholic all of a sudden.

Just take me away far away to some place where nobody knows me and i can enjoy life as it is. the essence of life is to take away stress, pressure, and irritating people.

oh, let me bring along Quek too. must have company :D

Moonlight

I feel extremely un-filial. I failed to wake up to "Sao Mu". Sorry grandpa. But, dad said he didn't want me to go any way because, idk why. I would like to go though. He's the only grandparent i know, and have lived with and is deceased. Those days are just not worth remembering.

I TRULY HATE PAIN AND DEATH. - my life motto.

Easter is, whirlwind-y. It didn't used to be like that. My life now is pretty much preoccupied by band band and only band. Sitting in the SAS band room for consecutive hours after hours, raising my cornet and putting it down, listening to g-ism, occassionally glancing at Quek to remember how to smile. Although we are focusing on performing and not winning the award, nobody can deny that amount of stress and pressure and expectations to get the GWH (damn) is increasing exponentially, on those who care.

I am suppose to be doing Lit now. As usual, bof has got me before charles dicken. OBVIOUSLY.



awwwww banana in pyjamas, my favorite!

Quek say this is the edward cullen shot -.- (because he looks like edward, according to him. HAHA. but i said, i don't look like bella at all. guess what was his response? "no no, you're more like, keira knightley." WTH. yeah go on and laugh, because i laughed too.)

Goodbye world, i hate it that i am tanner than him D:

I COUNT THE COLORS IN HIS EYES

why can't i read korean. all the official websites are in freaking korean and translation doesn't work. Dammit. I CAN'T READ MORE ABOUT KIM BUM, HOWWWWW D:

BOF is growing on me, way faster beyond my imagination. HAIZZZ what to say korean drama again.......

Unnecessary

I feel unnecessary.

Kai Xuan

Yesterday was .... fun, exciting, dangerous, tiring, and "chinese".

Q and i went to polyclinic to get our MC for missing sports day. And as usual being himself, a lousy liar, the doctor wanted him to go for a lab scan and refer him to a hospital because his heartbeat fell below 50/min.

Soon we found ourselves paying for MY consultation and leaving the polyclinic. A few hours later his doctor called and loads of drama took place, and me, his "sister", had to clear all his shit.

So everything was safe in the end. And that was the dangerous essence of our day, and also the major cause of why we were tired.

It was "chinese" because we watched Red Cliff 2 together at my house. I must say i've changed my mind about action movies, war and battles. They can be quite interesting. ESP TAKESHI KANESHIRO. ZOMG SOOOOOOOOO HOT. and he was a dam intelligent guy (Zhu ge liang) in the movie. TOTALLY OWNED TONY LEUNG PLZZZ.

Q dam lousy, rely on english subtitles. you must hear how he pronounce "cao cao" and "zhou yu". Average people will laugh like mad.

So we went bugis to buy my wallet! Didn't make it for Haji Lane cos we were both so tired and, moody. D: Bugis' Accessorize sucks. We went Raffles City's outlet and got my wallet! TEEHEEE dam chio. I REALLY WANTED PRIS ONE, BUT, CANNOT COPYCAT! thank you Q for the walllllet, i swear you're the best.

We had dinner at Thai Express and vrooom home. Super tired...

going Vivo soon to meet C, Ais, and Pris. WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO MY LIT ESSAY?

who gives a shit.

Anw, i got a rotten B for PW. Its already good, considering the fact that we lied and lied. HAHA.

Embarrassing moments of yesterday : i was watching 27 dresses on my iPod on the bus and Q was playing PSP. I laughed (i thought, softly) at this dam funny scene but in fact it was quite loud. ZOMG everyone stared at me and he shifted his body away from me. HUMPH.

and, on my way home on the train, i took out my iPod and continued the movie. LO AND BEHOLD I LAUGHED AGAIN, and this time, to myself. After sniggering for a few seconds i looked up and realise i was alone, and people just thought that i'm like some mad woman because my hair really tells them so.

Moral of the story? DON'T WATCH FUNNY MOVIE IN THE PUBLIC.

/

actually i hate this kind of post. recounting what happened. D:

am i living on the happiness that occurred in the past, or living for the more happiness to come in the future?

why am i not doing anything at all?

this is so dam hard.

Peektures

I WANT THE QUAD CAM. $35 ONLYY.

Korean bag spreee!

cameras and more cameras!

YAYness to sports day. and i don't really give a shit about PW results, so.... whatever (:

can't wait for tmrw I WANNNNNA GET A NEW WALLLET (:

SOS

Saints On Stage launch tomorrow!

I am wearing Shafiq's uber huge L size shirt. Dammit pjs?!

oh i am going out to town with clique tomrrow aft GP lecture! Hopefully it won't fail!

and, all the best to SPSMB. i will cut off my head with you guys don't get GWH cos its so damn impossible. I have faith in you BOYS!

and why hasn't U4DK replied my emaillll i want my dresssssssssss.

materialistic desires have taken a toll on me

best

Life at its best.

Fifteen insanities

1) i am an evil woman. :/

2) i have to be more understanding.

3) life sucks because the j2s cannot get our Saints On Stage shirt (we waited for 1.5 years) but the j1s get them so quickly.

4) i have to love more people instead of hating, gossiping, and "tsk"ing them.

5) I want $, so i can buy all the tops and bottoms i tried at Topshop, Fox, and Esprit at Parkway just now. They're so dam nice i swear i want them VERY MUCH.

6) i hate the minah working at Animal. Absoutely spoiled my mood to shop, or even try on the dress. Quek was just checking the price out for me, and while we were searching for the tag, the biatch rolled her eyes and went "its 109" and looked away. OH PUH LEASE WHO IS THE ONE THAT'S WORKING AND SERVING CUSTOMERS. I should think that you're in need of money more than we do because maybe you need the money to support your loser maht bf, or probably to finance all your cigarettes and drinks and ugly hair dye (her hair dam ugly). I AM SO DAM PISSED OFF WHY DID SUCH A NICE PLACE LIKE ANIMAL HIRE TWOOOO FRIGGING MINAHS. I thank God i didn't try the dress, because another minah who looks pregnant was wearing it. BAD MODELS. ugh, *spit fire* i was sooo angry i wanted to scold her but i walked out and went "i am going to come back someday and throw money at her. its not like i cannot afford it lor!"

Quek: "but we really cannot afford it now what."

He was being totally anti-climax. humph

7) my parrot is dam freaking noisy. I don't mind if he talks. but he just scream and scream and scream. I swear my family will have hearing disorder sometime soon because of him!

8) past two days were rather tough. It feels like youth nowadays are under so much pressure to perform. We are given too much expectations, and there exist too much competition too. I just pray that things will get better for us, and for everyone out there who is trying to cross a hurdle in their lives.

9) Had a long night yesterday. Thought and talked things out. Now i feel things will get better. What he say is true (: and i will definitely change. I'm sorry Q. we both have enough things to deal with and fighting is just not too advisable. I'm glad we stopped and learnt our lesson. <3 you.

10) I think parkway is a dam cool place. Cos their topshop is sooo empty i can keep trying different tops, dresses and bottoms. HAHAHA. I love shopping with Q he picks out stuff for me and i will just go into the fitting room and try. Although now we are both in recession, i'm sure when things get better we will go on a crazy shopping outing!

11) I want thai food. TOM YUM SOUP. CHICKEN WING. TOFU. FISH CAKE. ZOMG DROOLS.

12) have i mentioned, I REALLY WANNA BUY MORE BRA? La senza, cotton on body, une nana cool, young hearts!!! Although people can't see, but they seriously play a part in shaping how good i feel about myself that day. If i wear a cute polka dot bra, i will feel dam happy and cute for the whole day. OH MAN BUT BRA, THEY ARE SO EXPENSIVE D: Girls!

http://www.unenanacool.com.hk/product.htm Goo! It's dam cute.

13) going back to watch Boys before Flower. i better finish the series before Colleen starts laughing at me "HUHHH YOU MEAN YOU HAVENT FINISH OMG THAT'S DAM SLOW LAAA" not to forget she hates slow people. D:

14) so don't feel like going to school tomorrow but guess what? THURSDAY AND FRIDAY ARE HOLI-DAYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

15) therefore, life rocks.

Life sucks

"Life sucks."

--Joanne Lim

I haven't really counted how many more weeks, or days i have left in this band. and when they last told us it is only going to be 5 weeks more that i will remain in this band; 5 weeks more that i can touch and play my cornet. Band life isn't exactlythe most exciting life you can get. But definitely it is something i've never regretted wanting. 5 weeks is simply too short. It feels like i just played alongside Bean and the rest of the j2s for my first performance as a guest band for SAS concert at the Esplanade. It feels like i just attended my first band camp in SAJC, slogging our way through and working very hard for Saints E Muzica. It feels like i just came back from the perth trip with my batch. Everything just took place so quikly.

Time often arrests us in the most unwary moments. It will sieze you any moment when you don't take notice. Now i only have 5 weeks left, i am so astounded i have absolutely no idea what is the best way to make full use of the time i have. I guess i just wanna play hard. (pun intended)

sooooo, Syf. even though i am so dam fearful of you, i really just want to try my best for the band and see how far we can go. Afterall, the expectations that is upon all of our shoulders are rather tough to contain.

Band prac tomorrow : 9-5.

I am quite happy though. I love my section, i love my juniors, they're all so adorable and lovable i wanna carry them home. hahaha. and of course i love quek, so with him around, band prac will never suck.

I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad

Carry you around when your arthritis is bad

All I wanna do is grow old with you

I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches

Build you a fire if the furnace breaks

Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you

I'll miss you

Kiss you

Give you my coat when you are cold

Need you

Feed you

Even let ya hold the remote control

So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink

Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink

I could be the man who grows old with you

I wanna grow old with you

I will die again for him to sing it to me over and over again.

When he sings, his eyes shine. awwww

i have a song to sing too. used to be my alltime favourite. Loser emo song

I'm sorry i'm bad i'm sorry i'm blue

I'm sorry bout all the things i said to you

And i know i can't take it back

I love how you kiss i love all your sounds

and Baby the way you make my world go round

and i just wanted to say

I'M SORRY

I'm so sorry for the things i've done or said. D:

<3

Weak strong

hello i am in the school's com lab i finished my gp essay!

*i hate it when i can only blog about school, because that is the only thing happening in my life, sadly.*

btw i am such a loser. i failed my 2.4km run, i took 18.13mins DO NOT LAUGH.


hELLO, THIS IS AISYAH, SY AWESOME FRIEND. SHE ASKED ME TO HELP HER BLOG.

i didnt type those. asshole.

Wake

I am so tired from a uber long day in school. ended at 6.30 and went to pick up my cornet for a little practice. D:

did 5 stations.

and that is my mundane life.

Now, time for GP essay dammit.

Good news, i got a B for my Econs! SHOCK SHOCK SHOCK.

thank God (:

they say quek is a lucky charm. i think so too !

you're my twinkle star

currently stuck in com lab with loads of work to complete. D:

i am so stuffed with vexations. Is it right? I don't think so. But sometimes, why can't people really put themselves in my shoes, or even the people around them, and THINK before they do or ask something?

I am tired of recollecting those details that hurt me over and over again.

Siying its time to drive and move on. No point dwelling on what has already happened. Focus on creating a better future. If you can't trust people, at least trust yourself.

And because i am so tired, i just want to let go and be happy again.

D:

Little joke,

Quek: "my daddy bought me twinkle twinkle and cocoa crunch!"

twinkle twinkle in the Dictionary of Sean Quek : Honey Stars.

LAUGH!

okay back to work, i miss him, bye!

WHY ME

WHY IS IT ALL HAPPENING TO ME AND ON ME.

WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG THAT LIFE AND EVERYONE IS BEING SUCH A BITCH TO ME.

I DON'T DESERVE THIS I SERIOUSLY DON'T.

YOU SUCK. I HATE YOU. I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

SORRY, I AM NOT AS BIG HEARTED AS YOU THINK I AM.

TO FORGIVE AND FORGET?

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

WHY ME. WHAT DID I DO EXACTLY. I DID NOTHING. BUT WHY ME.

bomb

Weekend was, the bomb. literally. i have no idea how much i could take in anymore, i just listened and listened and listened until my world crashed down. It was nothing that i thought would come our way. I listened, and each word pierced my heart like nothing. i couldn't breathe or think or do anything, i just stoned. that was all i could do.

even after a night's thought given to it, i am still in the process of digesting everything. remember i said truth don't matter? actually they do, so much. but because truth matters so much, it breaks people, it breaks anything that comes along the way.

i am so numb now i have no idea who to turn to, because there is nobody, and there will never be any friend willing to listen to me. everybody thinks i'm a silly fool who made the wrong decision, and nobody will stand by me to support me because it is taking too much of them to do so. to even show a sign of sympathy, concern, GENUINELY to me. but it doesnt matter, cuz i expected it. I knew all these would happen, but i have no regrets. because finally i am doing something for myself, and though it sounds selfish, but damn it i am over and done with living for others. It's too tough.

I should have known this right. When i made a decision that will only benefit myself, i know from then on i am alone.

i am torn apart now betwen two voices. One tells me to revert to my old life, moved on, forget all that has happened in these few months that have turned my life around.

Another tells me that this is the very reason why he is the one, and why from the beginning it is never a mistake. Nobody will ever understand but i do, because i know he needs me and i need him, and that's all we need to know. The bomb has been ignited, and the hurt and damage has been done, but guess what? Don't call me a silly and foolish idiot that have no idea of protecting and defending myself. Because all i wanna do now is to stay by his side, and be everything and anyone that he possibly needs.

I'm pretty sure he has gone through much more in life than me. My life had been almost perfect and smoothsailing, even challenges during those days weren't exactly difficult. I am sooo done with hopeful living. I knw it sounds stupid to want a life of depressions, disappointments but that makes me feel more like an actual human. I am done with being excited and happy all the time. I had enough of always feeling not good enough for them and yet has to deceive myself that i am loved i am special i am born for a reason i am born for a purpose.

he came along the way, swept me off my feet, hurts me like deep shit, but so what? I'm still going to stay by his side till the end. What he has gone through, is too much for anyone to bear. those tears just drive me up the wall and that face of hurt and shame, instantly i knew this is it. I will live it with him, and even though it means i have to be larger than who i am, to let everything go.

God give me the strength to do so. Give us the strength to live on.

Love covers all, pain, fear, shame, love supercedes all. It is the universal force that acts behind every motivation.

I love you, therefore i choose to never leave.

but where, someone, would you give me a helping hand?

Angels

i met angels today. innocence and simplicity, they are angels compared to who i am. I hope that when they grow up, they will remain the same way; untainted and adorable in their own way.

and i found quek amidst them all! Hell for the whole week i only saw him once which was two days ago. It's horrrrrrrible i miss him D: anyhow this little boy Jeremy looks like him! tee hee as adorable and lovable! I know everyone agreeeeeee (:

It was a fun time with these kids, playing "duck duck goose" with them, seeing how they run and catch each other really make me relive my younger days. and teaching them Hokey Pokey and shaking themselves, those carefree and such childlike faces, awwwwwwww. I WANNA HAVE A KID TOOO (:

blessed parents, they all have such cute children. and i will never leave my child in the childcare, iwanna see them grow up and making progress in their lives together as their mummy and their friend (:

so here goes d photographs! More on my facebook (:

HAHA what a gross pic, FAT FAT ARMS EWWWW

gdbye back to boys before flowers. JI HOOOOOO!

expectations

one is taught not to have high expectations, of yourself or of anyone else.

why? when you have the least expectations, you'd be happier. happy when you realise the least of your expectations have been met. and less miserable when you don't get your high expectations met.

thank you for everything. your promises and your love. (:

my neck hurts D:

larger than love

if there's something larger than love...

happy 2nd month!

i hope he doesn't read this post today. it's meant for tomorrow's special day! okay i know 2 months is like damn short a period of time, but its worth the effort to celebrate the love you share right? some things just don't come easily, so cherish. (:

so as usual, we're spending it in school, in BAND. just like our first month, and my birthday. see what school has done to us, nothing but damage.

when we just got over BT1, we start lessons immediately tomorrow and cooooool we have lit tutorial ALREADY.

Arts students can't even rest? we write more than the science students, we memorise more than them, and we definitely spend more time reading those dam notes than any of them reading periodical tables or formulae sheets!

HUMPH i hate schoool i can't wait for As to be over so that i can get a laptop as daddy promised, and i can retreat back to Borders and work there, face the books everyday and just enjoy the smell of paper and boxes mmmmm

and i can get discount so i will keep buying books and read them, and i will spend my pay on clothes and more clothes shoes and more shoes bags and more bags bras and more bras pjs and more cute pjs, and spend on quek too.

but currently, life sucks D:

walking on the trapeze

The most important aspects of trapeze are grace, flexibility, strength, endurance and unique style.

Wikipedia

i'd like to add in : BALANCE.

i think wikipedia might be the best invention ever. and it reminds me of my higher chinese teacher is secondary school giving in a new name and made us laugh literally for months every chinese lesson we'd tease him : "LAO SHI.... WAI-KI-KI."

but my classmate found out that there's really a search engine called waikiki. maybe from china or something.

today on my way home, i decided that i MUST buy a car when i start working. i simply cannot stand the stench on public transport. say i have zero tolerance for unhygiene and body odour, or i am being evil and not understanding, but man its beyond what i can control. my body just repels all these and it really sucks. thank God i had my tie to cover the smell.

some singaporean just don't bathe, shave, or spray.

i nearly vomited right there on the train. it was tormenting. hence, PRIVATE CAR OWNERSHIP YAY YAY YAY.

TOMORROW's our last paper - economics. 2 hours and 55 mins of writing non-stop. today my hands cramped in the midst of geog paper. eewww

2 months in a few days time! i don't understand why people can ask me, why celebrate when its only 2 months. hmmmm, i guess celebrating the love monthly won't kill?

and i really need some self control and need to balance my life D:

i have many manythings i wanna do after BT! finish Boys Before Flowers, watch the movies i downloaded, bake (!!!), save $$ and buy my up4dekonstruct dress, try asking mummy for money to buy bra at Lasenza (they're allll soooooo pretty), draw up a saving plan (gonna do it tomorrow!) and many more to come ...

though it is only coming to April and the end of BT ONEEE, still rejoice friends at least the exams hurdle is over for, awhile.

time to stop escaping and get back to study my econs HUMPH

WHY

WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

Miss Choa Chu Kuang

According to quek's daddy, i am Miss chua. because i live in chua chu kang.

:/

today we spent time studying, but apparently being the normal him, PSP took a hold of him and became the main distraction. Winning eleven, and whatever that racing game is, vying for my bf's attention D:

this is so hilarious. i can't aim properly so... but he look so cute right!
oh yeah i like this. but ignore the fat arms plsss

hahahahhahaha i took this while he was twisting and turning and trying to think of the right face to make and snap! i took this!

bff : PSP

tomorrow's Geog BT. and i'm online to do rubbish instead of memorising those notes.

if burning them and drinking really helps.............

chant baby chant

i am in a chanting mood right now. i've been chanting to quek non-stop about so many things.

i suck at organising thoughts. i always have so much going on in my head i can't really sort them and give up shortly. so whatever that i gave thought to for so long, they are all being bundled up into one large messy picture of nothingness, and all my brain cells wasted.

so while we were studying at the Simei - Eastpoint? (i hate the east i feel like a goldfish in the sea) kfc, between studying for geog, i gave thought to my thoughts.

i have a new passion! goodness, LINGERIE DESIGNER ANYONE? :D grin grin, i love lingerie, i mean mostly bras luh, and PJs! i really love them, maybe i will make a great designer, come up with my own line of lingerie and make it bigger than Victoria's Secret? kidding

but my oh my, i really don't mind you know. just that i don't knw where to start :/ mmm, and i can set up a blogshop selling bra and pjs, that will be so dam cool luh. people can buy from me exclusive pieces instead of those mass produced ones from Cotton On or other places yike. it sucks to know you're wearing the bra of same design together with someone else.

that was my first resolution of the day!

quek went all stunned when he heard my new awaken dream. while i was bobbing up and down about finding this new passion he simply tried his best to ignore me. humph

and this week, too much bad food. i had so much fast foood like seriously, and cup noodles? Man i need to stop, but how to curb? Food is my addiction; food for life yo.

that was my second thought.

third, after service i missed quek so much D:

and i ranted to him on msn about quite a few things. like


I LONG LONG WAVY WAVY THICK THICK BUSHY BUSHY CURLY HAIRRRRRRRR

i wanna have tattooo also

"by, i feel like buying this D: its so nice https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjmhbFijDm60stV6X23nZyRPvCTwMHWhQ_IYJ5fQNusSNm1AfHSmFONy34YujKas4-A1qGVLiVpRfnZXOAiSMEK2QMbg5MOS8AQqZGWzU0-L2-YzZOso9oZN4K3UcsnhDmcVZJ1XawdrP0/s1600-h/DSC_1496.JPG they handmade them u know! like, sew themselves one. its 29 O.o"

i'm so lazy to type out what i want the most at the moment again, i'm afraid i can't control it i will go get hair extension tmrw, rob the bank and buy whatever i want, and get a secret tattoo but this is like the least likely it will ever happen with quek watching so intently over me a samll tattoo would probably make him flip.

you should see how many "NO, dont want tattoo" he rejected me with. HAHA. but of course i understand.

and should visit http://www.up4dekonstruct.blogspot.com/ although its like so not done yet but the first piece is really quite pretty. i like the idea of them handmaking and sewing the clothes, and the feeling of cloth not covering you or hugging you, but draping over you like a flaccid umbrella surrounding you, covering you, protecting you. its a lazy hug, a lazy kiss. zomg i love oversized tee shirt dresses. need to get more of them and less of the sweet kind of dresses eewwww

okay we are really on tight budget now, and we both aim to save money once school starts! cos we have zero value now in the account we have together (YAYYY). gonna need some time and much more determination to save all those money.

so that i can get my pocket basic dress from up4dekonstruct, more accessories, the Little Miss ...and Mr... tee shirts, and many more to come (:

Scarcity? ABSOLUTELY!

i'm writing so lengthy-ly huh.

OH YES. i wanna get a oktomat too for me and quek, they are so adorable, apart from the polaroid camera we have now we should buy more cameras! cos photography is like the new fashion nowadays huh?

things that will change

pardon me i can't upload from the phone directly so had to take photos of my phone. pathetic explaination i know.

March holidays i have been swimming in studies, occassional pain, but floating on love (: spending time with quek is simply awesome.


sometimes we have to overlook what we lost, and look at what you still have. at least when i look at your smile i know i won't drown or fall so badly.

you always pick me up, and carry me through. <3